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Big shout out to all the spiders not building their webs at face level.
My doctor said he`s been practicing for 30 years. When will he start doing his job for real?
All my biological clock does, is let me know when it`s time to eat again
For the record when I was a kid I never wanted to be an adult.
The fastest way to get someone to call you back is to take a shower.
Three guys walk into a bar. Two ended up with a concussion, the other needed 4 stitches.
If I say “it’s a great day to be alive,” it’s because those are literally my only plans.
My bank statement is just a visual record of bad decisions.
If a guy stares at your boobs, just stare at his d!ck ... maybe squint a little bit
Whenever I hear "let me tell you the truth", I secretly cross my fingers, hoping they say "brownies are healthy, eat as many as you want."
I`m super lazy today. Which is like normal lazy but I`m also wearing a cape.
I like working from home. It`s much more comfortable than sleeping in my cubicle.
If your friends don’t make fun of you, they’re not your true friends.
I really have to stop using this little microphone on my phone that types whatever you say as it keeps making mistakes punctuation point
The only good thing about being an alcoholic is that no one ever asks me to drive them anywhere.