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I wanna be skinny but I also want to have pizza for breakfast lunch and dinner, you feel me?
Maybe it`s the washer and not the dryer that steals the socks.
Sometimes, I`ll start a text with "lol" if it might be a sensitive subject. Like, "lol it`d be cool if you moved out."
My brain is about as well organized as the Walmart $5 dvd bin.
If I`m in your house and you have bookshelves... Be prepared to see me turning statues and bending down books while looking for your lair.
I`m putting more thought into my Halloween costume than into my job.
Had a super busy day today converting oxygen into carbon dioxide.
The downside of dating intelligent women is having to Google what they call you when it ends badly
Uses for the plastic ruler..... 5% to draw stright lines 95 % to hit people.
Wtf neighbor I waved to you last week
There is nothing more terrifying than sneezing while driving.
Ladies...when I say bless you after a sneeze, just say Thank you, instead of wondering where in the bushes that just came from.
Turns out a At Home DNA Test is not a good baby shower gift.
If my ceiling fan could hold my weight, I would never be bored again.
I think abs are for guys that don`t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.