Your home to over 150,000 silly Facebook statuses! Find the perfect witty, silly, or downright funny status to share with your friends and family. Check in daily for fresh updates!
My resume is really just a list of all the things I never want to do again.
People, like prescription drugs, should have to list the side effects they`re likely to cause.
Farts are just the ghosts of the things we eat.
I thought white noise was the sound of people complaining at Starbucks.
Either my cooking’s improved or my family’s immune systems have strengthened.
Apologizing for canceling a meeting is like saying sorry for buying me a beer.
Sarcasm is just one of the many services I offer to people who ask stupid questions.
If you don’t feel just a little bit of shame after the weekend… you’re not doing it right.
the `real` me doesnt do facebook
You can tell a lot from a woman by her hands. For instance, if they`re placed around your throat she`s probably slightly upset.
If I didn`t drink, then how would everyone know how much I love them at 2am?
There’s a police helicopter above my house right now, so I’m cashing in and calling everyone who has ever said “when pigs fly.”
Spiderman is just another guy who ends up with sticky hands and covered in white stuff after being on the web.
A spider just tried to crawl across my hand and now Googling how to extract a fork from bone without causing more damage.
Women my age expect a man to have his sh!t together by now. Time to start dating younger women.