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Vodka is the answer...but I can`t remember the question.
Life isn`t a fairy tale. If you lose your shoe at midnight, chances are you are going to walk home barefoot.
I don’t really forgive people I just pretend like it`s okay and wait for my opportunity to destroy them.
When I was young I could climb mountains, these days I have to steady myself to fart.
The right man will love you unconditionally, will be loyal, and will always be happy to see you. ... Oh wait, That`s my dog. My dog does that.
The overspray from my windshield washer fluid just totaled a smart car.
The best nicknames are the ones people don’t know they have.
My nickname is Gilette because I`m the best a man can get. Also, I will cut you
Sometimes, just to annoy my Therapist, I’ll ask him; “so how does my lack of progress make you feel?”
May your Labor Day contain no Labor!
I saw a group of kids trying to put another kid into a dumpster. I had to step in, they couldn`t even lift him.
I`m sorry officer, I thought you wanted to race.
Whenever I drive past the psychic’s empty parking lot, I think, if I was psychic I would only be open on the days I knew people were coming.
If you slept with my husband I`d be like "OMG how much do I owe you?"
Back in the day, Mom gave us two dinner choices. What she cooked or jack sh!t....