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I have no time for games in my relationships. Unless by games you`re referring to naked twister. I`ve always got time for that sh!t.
Money is the root of all evil. For more information, send $10 to me.
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes… Can you pick me up some beer on your way back?
"Dancing with the Stars" is being canceled, but tune in to a new reality show by the same creators called, "Athletes do your Taxes."
When someone asks if you lost weight, the correct response is always, "no, it just seems like it to you because you got fatter."
Weekends are like a orgasm.. It`s takes a lot to get there and when u finally do it`s over in no time
Secret Admirers are just stalkers with good PR.
Give a man a gun he can rob a bank. Give a man a bank and he can rob everybody
That awkward moment when you finish watching a TV series and you don’t know what to do with your life any more.
My parents say I was an unplanned child, which probably explains why my life isn`t going to plan.
As soon as you think “maybe I can get up early and just finish it tomorrow” you’ve already lost.
Indecisiveness is just mental constipation.
There are two types of people I can`t stand. Nosy people, and people who won`t tell me what`s going on.
Movie comes on while im in bed: ugh ive seen this a million times. Movie comes on before I have to get ready for work: oh hell yea a classic
Sorry I drunk dialed you at 10am.