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what does bgif mean on a friday night ? ... boobs go in front
Being a fat guy at McDonald`s is like being the muscle guy at the gym. People stay out of your way cause they know you mean business
I had a Dr. appointment this morning. He asked me how many beers I drink. I held out my hand and said this one is only my 4th, I`ll call you back later with the total.
Just realized that 90% of Disney cartoons involve lying about your identity to get someone to love you.
Facebook is cheaper than therapy, twice as effective & you can do it naked.
Never trust a married guys opinion of who`s hot. It`s like asking a starving guy what food tastes good.
Yes I walked away mid-conversation. You were boring me to death and my survival instincts kicked in
Sometimes I like to lie in bed, stare at the ceiling and think what it would be like to stare at other ceilings.
I have a PHD (Pretty Huge d*ck)
I just want you to be happy…and maybe a little bit naked.
There are two types of people...don`t worry you are not one of them.
Mornings are the best when they start in the afternoon.
My new credit card has this awesome theft protection where it just says "declined" whenever you use it.
The real reason I’m not a superhero…. Pockets, I need my pockets.
You`re right. I don`t have a clue. I`ve never had a clue. It`s part of my charm and it seems to be working for me.