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I like the part of the day when food happens.
If it`s true that opposites attract, I should be looking for someone that gets up early and does stuff
I am out of wine, so I ate a bag of grapes and threw myself down the stairs.
More often than not, the excitement of a Facebook friend request dies upon discovering who it is.
I`m pretty sure whoever coined the phrase " rise and shine", doesn`t do it anymore.
When people on Facebook say they lost their phone and need everyone’s numbers again, I text them: “Guess who?” for 2 weeks.
What if in like 30 years they made a film about Leonardo DiCraprio and how he never won an Oscar…and the actor who played him got an Oscar.
I sometimes ask myself, "What would Jesus do?", and then I think, Jesus wouldn`t be caught up in this sh*t.
If you rearrange the letters of "postmen" they get really pissed off.
Australian kiss. It`s kind of like a French kiss, but down under.
Don’t be ashamed of who you are. That’s your parents job.
Marriage: an expensive way to get your laundry done for free..
It might look like I`m doing nothing, but at the cellular level I`m quite busy.
You ever read a status, and you`re like, `what a f*ck up` and then you realize you`re on your own page?
I only say "bless you" twice. If you sneeze a third time I assume it didn`t take and you`re a demon who must be destroyed.