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I’m not drunk, I’m just exhausted from drinking all night.
I didn`t want to grow up; I just wanted to be able to reach the cookies.
FACT: Candy corn is made out of melted down traffic cones.
Facebook is basically just you having a conversation with yourself hoping that someone else will join in.
that awkward moment when your pulling the covers up and hit yourself in the damn face !!!
is trying to decide ... laundry today or naked tomorrow
Dating a stripper is like eating a noisy bag of chips in church. Everyone looks at you in digust, but deep down inside they want some.
Maybe it`s inappropriate for the first date but if there`s a maze on the menu I`m asking for crayons.
Car next to me in the liquor store parking lot has a family sticker. She has seven kids! ... I better get in there quick! She`s gonna buy it all.
If you´re cooler than me, doesnt that make me hotter than you?
When I was a teenager, a "selfie" meant something totally different than it does today.
Don`t ask me for childcare advice unless you want nuggets of wisdom like "always punch holes in the box so they can breathe."
I will never forget the day when she said yes to me because that was the last time we agreed on anything.
When someone says "Happy New Years" I wonder, how many years are they talking about?
You lost your phone and it`s on silent? Too bad. If you liked it then you should`ve put a ring on it.