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I hate when I wake up in the middle of the night to get a quick drink of water and then accidentally eat a whole pizza and a cheesecake.
Today I broke my personal record for most consecutive days lived.
I fell off the wagon because I was too drunk to keep my balance
There is no better sunscreen than sitting inside a bar.
It’s not that I don’t want kids, it’s just that I don’t want a minivan.
“Delete, Block, Ignore” Its too bad getting rid of people in life is not as easy as it is on Facebook..
So I was thinking... since the kids get the Easter bunny, why shouldn`t I expect a visit from a Playboy bunny today?
No one`s lazier than the guy who came up with the name for Juicy Juice.
Never make the same mistake twice, There are so many new ones, Try a different one each day.
I`m not a bitch, I just have a low bullsh!t tolerance.
If you`ve never actually got dressed, got in your car & pretended to drive "to work" to get a chick to leave your house then you`re not me.
I just realized that Mr. Rogers had the first man-cave.
Who can really hear themselves thinking?
Line forms here for spankings
The Best Excuse given by a Lady for Missing Work ! "My husband took an overdose of Viagra.....Couldn`t leave him alone with the Maid"