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I spend most of my money on beer and cigarettes.. The rest I just waste.
I’m in my dentist’s waiting room practicing my lies about flossing.
ME: “We have a problem, the liquor store is closed.” HER: “That`s ok, I don’t drink.” ME: “Ok we have two problems.”
My 14 year old sent a text asking me to pick her up from school and added "not in your pajamas". So I`m wearing hers because good moms listen.
If anyone could do it, it wouldn`t be called PROcrastination.
Some people can’t sleep because they have insomnia. I can’t sleep because I have Internet.
Acting like a mature adult is super easy if you hate having fun.
You’ve never truly lived until someone has posted a sign because of something you’ve done.
Someone just called me normal, I`ve never been so insulted in all my life!
If you`re going to be two faced, at least make one of them pretty
Life is tough. Put on your big girl panties and deal with it like the rest of us.
You call it Sushi, I call it bait.
The one who laughs last is the slowest. The one who laughs first has the dirtiest mind.
If you don`t believe that women will actually fight over a pair of shoes, you`ve never watched The Wizard of Oz!
Wow comma I just realized if I tap the microphone on my keyboard I don`t have to type out my statuses anymore exclamation point