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I`m a really nice guy before you get to know me.
Never do I feel as lazy and rude as when someone else in the room is vacuuming.
Shouldn`t there have been one scene in The Karate Kid where Daniel`s mom was like "Why are you constantly in that old man`s shed?"
Spicy food is like BDSM for your mouth
Have you noticed that it`s only the married squirrels that hurl themselves in front of your car......
If the NSA and IRS teamed up, I wouldn’t have to do my taxes.
You offer someone a sincere compliment on their mustache and suddenly she’s not your friend anymore.
the ulitmate moment is when your identical twin says your ugly
I’m so broke this New Years Im gonna party like its $19.99.
Ever talk to someone so stupid you can hear them misspelling words?
FYI: You can`t beat rock-paper-scissors with yourself in the mirror.
I`ve discovered two things today... 1. My cat looks so cute in people clothes. 2. I`m probably going to die alone.
Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers. Nothing bad has happened, but I’m trying to be proactive.
I don`t know what your problem is, but I`ll bet it`s hard to pronounce.
maturity comes when you stop publishing every detail of your life on social media