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If Scientists invent a pill to make us immortal, I guarantee I`d choke to death swallowing it.
Two knives taped together are not a suitable alternative to scissors.
I don’t mean to alarm you but you know those people in your office that can’t work the fax machine? They’re driving home on the same roads.
Let me check my giveashitmeter ... nope nothing.
Hello customer service, I ate two happy meals and I’m still not happy
I wish you could Google anything. Like, "Where the f*ck is my remote?" and it would be like, "It`s under the couch dumbass."
Hey ladies, you know that feeling you get when you roll over & realize you made a horrible mistake? I could give that to you every day.
I`d be super embarrassed if people saw my google history but only because its all words I should really know how to spell by now
He who laughs last didn´t get it.
No horror movie can surpass the sensation of touching your pockets and not feeling your cell phone.
I told everybody at work that I`ve got 18 cats just to make sure none of them ever want to come over for anything.
Your silent treatment should be accompanied by a disappearing act.
This post was going to be really funny but I didn`t write it down because I was totally sure I`d remember it.
Mom: Some scary old lady keeps FaceTiming me. Me: Mom, turn your camera around and she’ll go away.
Babies dont have parents, they have staff.