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Who needs a social life when you have Netflix and a fridge full of food?
I give myself the best presents.
I often confuse reptiles and amphibians. Actually, if I`m being brutally honest, they pretty much never know what I`m talking about
Nothing says you are ugly like Facebook asking ``Are you sure you want to make this your profile picture?``
Any amusement you may have experienced from my past posts are in no way a guarantee of future performance.... Please initial here and sign here.
Iām not getting old. Iām becoming a classic.
I want rich people problems. Like where to land my private jet.
Story of my life : 1. i wake up .... 2. i go to school.... 3. i see a girl .... 4. i run to her and kiss her.... Actually, the right order is 2,3,4,1 ..
When I say lol, I don`t literally mean I laughed out loud. What I actually mean is that I made a loud outward breath through my nose, similar to a bull.
In life, you only need two tools - WD-40 and Duct Tape. If it doesn`t move but should, use the WD-40. If it should not move and does, use the duct tape
MY MISSION IS COMPLETE!!! I have successfully wasted a little bit of your time today :) carry on!
What if oxygen makes our voice really deep, and Helium just brings it back to normal?
The only time that my wife screams my name in bed is when I fart in my sleep.
I`m sure the guy standing at the urinal next to me, regrets wearing those flip flops today.