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Hey, somebody get ready to wake up the guy in Green Day.
Want the truth? Just ask a kid.
Truth is, it’s not a “long story”… I’m just too damn lazy to explain it.
You call them “cuss words.” I choose to call them “sentence enhancers.”
I always tell my kids that it`s ok to make mistakes as long as you learn how to blame them on other people.
To be honest with you, I start all my lies with to be honest with you.
I only have a kitchen because it came with the house.
Please tell me I’m not the only one who opens up their Hershey Kisses ever so gently so that the foil doesn’t tear.
Passive aggressive has never been my thing, I prefer chasing you with a chainsaw.
People who describe things as "better than sex" are obviously having the wrong kind of sex.
I don`t let my friends do stupid things... ALONE
I don`t have a drinking problem. If anything, I`m TOO good at it.
My ex says that he will dance on my grave. I`ve now arranged to be buried at sea
My husband`s wife is freakin` awesome!
United Airlines was just voted number one in Chinese takeout!