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Anyone who says sunshine brings happiness has never danced in the rain.
Actions speak louder than words when you smack someone in the back of the head with a shovel
My hatred for Nicki Minaj probably stems from my fear of clowns.
Ever wonder why divorces are expensive? Because they are worth it!
Called AA by mistake. Those drunks can`t change a tire for sh*t.
It`s pretty amazing how many times my daughter likes to say "it`s not fair!" considering she has never had to pay taxes
Target had a credit card breach? But only with in-store purchases, not online? More proof you`re better off staying home with no pants on.
Apparently typos only become visible to the human eye after you hit send.
Marriage: where all the excitement, laughter and sex is gone but she’s still there.
One small step for man one giant step for a really small man
That awkward moment when you take a bath in the middle of the day and don`t know whether to wear normal clothes or pajamas.
Girls are supposed to dance. That`s why god gave them parts that jiggle.
Life is like a burrito. If you fill it with too many things it falls apart and then you cry and they kick you out of Chipotle.
Shout out to the single lady I saw buying a bunch of Duracell batteries on Valentine`s Day.
There is nothing like sitting naked in a beanbag chair eating Cheetos. I hope they let me back in Walmart.