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Whenever I check my weight, I always subtract 5 pounds. I don`t think that boobs and brains this fabulous should count against me.
Miracle Whip is a bit of an exaggeration if you ask me.
Yeah, I was dropped as a baby. Into a pool of sheer awesome.
The recipe I am making says to chill for 30 minutes so I`m sitting back and having a margarita!
It only takes 2 ingredients to make a baby. Does that not blow your mind. Like at least there should be some flour or something.
I do 5 sit-ups every morning. No, it doesn`t sound like much, but there`s only so many times you can press the snooze button.
I add "Drink Beer" to my weekend to-do list so I know I`ll at least get one thing done.
You think seven years is bad for breaking a mirror? Try breaking a condom.
I`m going to start a band called "Free Beer" because when people see a sign that says "Free Beer Tomorrow at 9PM" everyone is going to be there.
Mondays feel like biting into a chocolate chip cookie only to find out it`s oatmeal raisin.
WOULD YOU RATHER: have six arms or giant antlers? (You don’t really get a choice; the surgeons were just sort of curious.)
The baby gets furious when I try to undress him. Must get that from his mother.
Letting my dad play Angry Birds on my iPad is like showing a caveman fire.
I’m trying to read a book about how to relax, but I keep falling asleep
When I die, I’d like someone to keep updating my Facebook status, just to freak people out… “Hey, who knew they had Wi-Fi up here?”