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I`ve been holding my stomach in for 3 years now so don`t talk to me about dedication
What idiot named them jet skis instead of boatercycles?
Tonight, I`m bringing Sexy back! I just hope I don`t need a receipt...
You would never know I had a college degree if you saw how many times I tried to push when it says pull.
There`s really no telling how successful I could have been if the internet hadn`t been invented...
Asking a girl what exactly she looks for in a guy is like asking her "what exactly do I have to do to get friendzoned?
If you think someone is staring at you: 1. Yawn 2. If they yawn, they were staring.
Nothing says "friend zone" quite like a girl saying "you`re like a brother to me." (Disregard this message if you`re from Alabama)
Anyone who knows me obviously knows a shit ton about awesomeness.
I don`t know why I even bother chewing corn.
Okay, enough procrastination. Time for excuses.
Whenever you feel nobody cares or loves you. You should ask yourself...Am I TOO sexy?
What`s this g-mail? I just got used to e-mail. And why did they skip f-mail?
Having kids puts a new perspective on life.
If I had a penny for everytime I heard you bitch at me I`d have enough money to invest in a hitman