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Aging is inevitable, Maturing is optional.
The only "B" word you should call a woman is "beautiful"... B!tches love being called beautiful.
There are 2 types of people that annoy me: Drunk people, when I`m sober. Sober people, when I`m drunk.
Absence makes the heart grow fonder, but my boss just gets mad when I don`t come to work
I`m so scattered I don`t know whether I found this rope or lost my horse.
Nothing shall separate me from the love of beer...
Your mobile phone has more computing power than all of NASA in 1969. NASA launched a man to the moon. ...We launch a bird into pigs!
When someone tells me I`m going to hell, I`m like "yeah, duh, I work there part time as a tour guide!"
Iām starting to think we as a society may be trying to do too much with the Dorito.
I hate laundry, dishes, sweeping, mopping, dusting, fixing and fetching. The only logical conclusion is that I am descended from royalty.
Just once I`d like to see a stripper do the "Carlton" on stage.
tell your boobs to stop staring at my eyes
I think people who use "go fly a kite" as an insult don`t really understand kites or insults.
Just saw a homeless dude with a sign reading "Hungry Hungry Hobo"... I shouldn`t laugh right?
No one will ever look at you the way I do ... But thats probably because no one will ever do it from the tree outside your window