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Roses are red, violets are blue. I have 5 fingers, the middle one is for you.
Seriously, ladies. If you just stop sleeping with douchebags eventually their species will go extinct. Look at the big picture here.
I donate blood 5 times a year just so I`m less and less related to some of my relatives.
I recently took up meditation. It beats sitting around doing nothing.
Some of the best things in life...are mistakes.
Sure, we can be friends. I get to be Chandler.
If I had any self control I`d probably eat that too.
Chess says everything about men and women. The King has to take things one step at a time, while the Queen can do whatever the hell she wants.
My house was clean yesterday, sorry you missed it.
I put the b!tch in the kitchen.~ last thing I remember saying before I woke up in the hospital.
It`s never good when Human Resources sends you an email and the subject line is "Your Facebook Activity".
I eat my Chinese food just like any other American, with chopsticks, one grain of rice at a time.
Why do we feel safe under blankets? It’s not like a murderer will come in thinking “I’m gonna ki..-ahhh. Damn, he’s under a blanket.”
Shout out to the single lady I saw buying a bunch of Duracell batteries on Valentine`s Day.
You have to stay in shape. My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She`s 97 today and we don`t know where the hell she is.