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Sometimes I feel bad about the things I say and do, but today is not one of those days.
If you think people are stupid, randomly post "Happy Birthday" wishes on peoples FB page and see how many others tell them happy birthday.
My wife looks for signs I’m cheating, but seriously, who would make a sign?
I would like to give thanks to the brave men and women who died a long time ago tasting which plants were edible and which plants were not.
Basically the way it works is I tell myself I`m not going to eat too much and then I eat too much.
If I saw a ghost, I would not be scared. I’d be like “Sit your translucent ass down, I have a lot of questions!”
Everyday I’m shoveling. – Winter 2014
The sperm bank is overpriced to store my stuff so if you come over, don`t use the cloudy ice cubes from the tray labelled "Future Champions"
It`s so cold out I`ve turned 50 Shades Of Blue!
if you were 2 times as smart as you are now ... you would still be stupid
My opinion of yoga pants varies depending on if I`m at the gym or if I`m at Wal-Mart
I`ve found that nowadays most people don`t like holding hands in public. Especially if you don`t know them.
My grandfather once waited in line for 36 hours to get a loaf of bread and I can`t wait two seconds for a Youtube video to load.
My status would be a lot funnier if you could see my back-up dancers.
If pulled over, immediately ask the officer if they`ve been drinking in order to establish dominance.