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When you wish upon a shooting star, all your dreams will come true. Unless the star is really a meteor about to destroy the earth. Then, you´re pretty much dead no matter what you wish for.
I’m cutting the sleeves off my Snuggie because it makes me look more badass.
To whom it may concern: I need more money and power ... ASAP thanks!
If you`re going to be a smartass, you must first be smart. Otherwise, you`re just an ass.
Do the spectators at golf tournaments know they don`t have to be there
Highschool Reunion? What for ? I`m on Facebook. I already know who got fat.
I can sum up my life in three words: “just browsing, thanks.”
Have you guys seen the new documentary about white trash? I only saw the trailer.
Debate?.....isn`t that what you use to catch "The Fish" ?
I finally figured out how to get rid of that annoying sound in my car. I opened the door and pushed her out!!
Checked my bank balance at the ATM and was happy to see I had 707 dollars in it until I realized I was holding the receipt upside down and it said LOL instead.
Roses are red, Violets are blue... Sunflowers are yellow. I bet you thought this would be something sweet and charming, but it`s just some garden facts.
We all have that one friend that needs to learn how to whisper.
Thank god we don`t send messages with pigeons anymore. Where would I find 200 pigeons every day?
If something rolls off of my plate... I eat it first, as punishment for trying to run away.