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Someone should use screen recording software to record an entire day’s worth of working on spreadsheets and post it to YouTube so that I can play it full screen and pretend like I’m working.
You know why you like me ... Cause your f*ckin crazy too!!!
I laid awake all night again worrying about why I’m always so tired.
Maybe the reason Uncle Phil hated Will was because the first thing Will gave him was a $3700 cab ride bill from Philly to Bel-Air.
Ah Friday...my second favorite "F" word!
Nothing makes you feel more insignificant than still having 85% battery at noon.
I`ve had such a bad week First my girlfriend got run over by a bus, then I lost my job.. ..as a bus driver
Sometimes I`ll go out in public and socialize with people, those times are called alibis.
I really like that machine at the gym where you put money into it and snacks come out.
If you enter a room and there`s no food, you`re in the wrong room.
Don’t break anyone’s heart; they only have one. Break they’re bones. They have over 200 of them.
Is it rude to put *vomits* under someone`s post ?
Some tattoo artists need to just say, "no, I`m not doing this sh!t."
I met a guy exactly like my father so I brought him home and my mom shot him.
I`ll be glad when it`s warm enough to pee outside