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No one sees you when you`re kind, no one sees you when you do a nice thing, but all will see on you when you fart.
Just bought myself a mistletoe belt buckle. Wish me luck.
Unless your kid’s fundraiser is selling booze, I want no part of it.
You know you`re getting old when one huge fart throws out your back.
I really can’t kick ass, but I’m super good at taking names!
I wonder how many messengers were killed before they came up with the saying.
I was in a bar when a girl called me a cheapskate. So I threw her drink in her face.
When I`m happy, I drink and when I drink, I`m happy. Win/Win!!
I don`t get why people find drunk text annoying
Dear future boyfriend/girlfriend, where the hell are you?
I think instead of doing laundry I`m just going to buy a second hamper...
The secret to happiness is a good sense of humor and a bad memory.
Dear Carly Simon, Yes I am so vain that I do think that song is about me.
My mind says go to the gym but my heart says food.
Dear karma, I have a list of people you missed.