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I just bought a new pair of sunglasses for whoever finds them in 3 weeks.
Why is it that everyone you hate has such a better job than you?
When I come home 4 the holidays I throw $40 on the table & say "Look we`re keeping the thermostat at 75, and we`re turning on some lights."
My will has a list of friends not allowed to speak at my funeral.
Alcohol is never the answer. Unless someone asked me, "What are you doing this weekend?"
The next time you feel you’re worthless…. just remember…. your organs are worth a LOT of money on the black market.
I`m about to eat gas station breakfast. Tell my family that I love them.
How much is appropriate to tip the police officer who opens the squad car door for you?
I`m not sure how many problems I have because math is one of them.
Fruit cocktail is the most disappointing of all the cocktails.
If someone throws a rock at you, throw a flower back at them, but, make sure the flower is still in the pot..
If goldfish crackers actually tasted like goldfish-- wait, I just realized I`ve never tasted a goldfish. What if the crackers are accurate?
It really pisses me off when I plan a conversation in my head and the other person doesn’t follow the damn script.
Doctor: How`s your headache? Me: She`s out of town.
Who ever invented the knock knock joke should get the no bell prize.