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Sometimes late at night, I dig a hole in the back yard to keep the nosey neighbor`s guessing.
A man who took an Airline company to court after his luggage went missing has lost his case.
PRO TIP: You can use crunchy food to block out conversations of people you hate.
Im going to a parking lot and put sticky notes on people`s cars saying "sorry for the damage." Then watching the magic.
Sorry to all my friends and family members who didn`t know I was a freak until they saw my likes and shares on Facebook.
Just think about all the stuff you aren`t thinking about.
How big does a cupcake have to be before it`s just a cake?
You know its going to be a b!tch of a day when you put your bra on backwards and it fits better.
Does this 50 pound bag of cat food make me look single?
why do people with bad teeth always have a smile on there face
I`ve created a new gym to help with the child obesity problem. There is no building, I am just slowly driving around neighborhoods in an ice cream truck without ever stopping.
at this point in life I break my life down into 2 time periods B.N and A.N....Before Netflix and After Netflix
Just shaved my legs for the first time since October...just kidding, it`s not warm enough for that yet.
Kinda hard to believe not a single mutant at professor Xavier’s school had the power to heal a dude’s legs.
Probably a good thing I`m not a ghost cause I`d just stay in the kitchen and scare people then eat all their food.