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I wish someone would steal my identity, fix it and and give it back...
Childhood is like being drunk. Everyone remembers what you did, except you.
“Are you completely sure this isn’t textable?” -the perfect voicemail prompt.
I always honk when I drive by homeless guys sleeping, just in case they overslept for a meeting
I just replaced the can of air freshener in the office bathroom with an air horn. And now we wait...
Quick question, ladies: If you shave your eyebrows off and then draw them back on, what the heck are you doing?
You`re the reason why I believe in condoms.
LIKE if you talk to yourself and laugh because you’re just that hilarious.
I`m sorry, I live in the U.S. so I don`t really get the metric system. How much exactly is "in moderation"?
As a kid, my parents told me I could be anyone I wanted to be. Turns out, this is called "Identity Theft".
While wearing a bikini you show 90% of your body -But men are so polite, that they stare only at the covered places.
That annoying moment when a package says "easy open" and you need scissors, a knife, a gun, and a lightsaber just to open it.
People hiking with a giant stick never seem any better at hiking than the rest of us.
I get my: Cereal from a tiger, Insurance from a gecko, Toilet paper from a bear, Financial advice from a gorilla. It`s people I don`t trust.
Of course I know right from wrong. Wrong is the fun one.