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Definition: Brain - Your body`s hardest working organ. It works 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, from birth until you...fall in love.
I bet anyone who`s had to fight a bear has snuck at least one hug in
Today I think I`ll go to a public restroom and wait until someone leaves, then click your stopwatch and write something down in a notebook.
I talked to my mom, and she said she probably hadn`t had sex with any of you guys. Damn dirty liars.
I need an app that shows oncoming traffic on my touchscreen while I`m driving
It’s amazing how little information I need on someone before I decide I don’t like them.
So far my Christmas shopping has involved buying myself presents, so I’d say it’s been a success.
Maybe the reason the world keeps making idiots famous is because 75% of the world is made up of idiots.
One time I threw a boomerang and lost it, now I live in constant fear.
I never give money to bums because a.) They probably make more money than I do. b.) They work from home. c.) They get to drink on the job.
The hay in baby Jesus`s manger came from Christian Bales.
Ironing boards are just surf boards that gave up their dreams and got real jobs.
I just realised that sex is like air..its not important unless you are not getting any.
I can`t wait to find my soul mate so I can start sleeping on the couch.
It`s funny how as you get older you relate more to the villains in Disney than the Princesses.