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If I could have sex with anyone, living or dead, I`d probably pick living.
Ladies, if a man says he will fix it, he will. There is no need to remind him every 6 months about it.
Don`t half a$$ anything. F*ck it up all the way.
I hate to sound racist, but.. all of your baby ultrasounds look the same.
My moral compass must run on solar power because it never seems to work after dark.
If it wasn’t for caffeine I wouldn’t be a functioning member of society.
I don’t repeat gossip, so listen carefully
Monday must be a man ... It comes too quickly.
"I believe I can fry" - R Kelly filling out McDonald`s application
If you see someone crying, ask if it`s because of their haircut.
I`ve written my own book called 50 Shades of Gravy. It`s very saucy. :D
I only use elevators for one thing. Surprise group hugs
My friends are weird. They keep vegetables in their beer crisper. Freaks
Seriously, dude...Is there a name for what`s wrong with you?
I have finally conquered my annoying habit of repeatedly pressing the snooze button every morning by programming my alarm clock to play lullabies!