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Sometimes the first step to forgiveness is understanding that the other person is an idiot.
I was gonna take over the world this morning but I overslept. Postponed ... Again.
I FINALLY "friended" my girlfriend on Facebook.. You know.. So I could get updates on our relationship status.. :|
i think lady gaga puts glue on herself, and rolls around random items.
My poor neighbour suffered a stroke today...I must remember to close the blinds before getting naked.
When I buy a horse, I`ll call it `MY FACE`..imagine all the ladies screaming `come on my face`
If you can’t afford to go on vacation, you can always drink until you don’t know where you are!
The woman in the Superman underwear next to me does not quite understand how white pants work.
Was up all night wondering, why do people compliment me for having all my sh!t together & yet still insult me for being full of it?
It`s funny how things change when you get older. It seems like just yesterday I would spend my evenings on the front porch and treat myself to some killer weed. Now I spend my
Trying to be less negative but it`ll never work.
Ever noticed how you used to be embarrassed by things you did or that happen to you, but now your first thought is "I can post that"
I put the “Pro” in Procrastinate.
If you step on someone`s foot, they open their mouth just like trash cans.
Cooking tip of the day: Rub your eyes BEFORE you dice the jalapenos...