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This debt collector was just so surprised I answered my phone that they stuttered and hung-up lmao!!
Sometimes I wrestle with my inner demons. Other times, we just hug.
The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age.
You notice how no faith-healers have stepped forward to help out with the ebola crisis in Africa......
Probably the most exciting feature on the new Iphone is the way it upgrades simple phone theft into full on finger removal.
A handshake means something completely different to a cannibal.
Marriage. When dating goes too far.
That moment when you put your pants on, take a few steps, and feel something crawling down your leg! You grab it on the outside so it doesn`t crawl any further....and then you sigh in relief and thank God the dryer sheet doesn`t bite!
my 2012 new year’s resolution is to be more optimistic by keeping my cup half-full with either rum, vodka, or whiskey.
Tonight, I`m bringing Sexy back! I just hope I don`t need a receipt...
Jehovah`s witnesses tell the worst knock, knock jokes
I went for a run tonight. Sure, it was a beer run, but I did break a sweat.
Don’t break anyone’s heart; they only have one. Break they’re bones. They have over 200 of them.
I was wondering why some couples don`t go to the gym together but I guess some relationships just don`t work out...
I use sarcasm because flat out telling you you’re a moron is considered inappropriate and is frowned upon. And I was raised better than that.