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If you find it hard to laugh at yourself, I would be happy to do it for you.
Some people are like water balloons; they`re more fun when you throw them out the window.
Whenever I see someone in a Smart Car, I expect to see a kid with a remote control nearby.
I`d try Taco Bell`s breakfast but I don`t start drinking that early.
Last night we were in bed and I asked my wife "What would you like to do to my body more than anything else?" She said "Identify it."
Social Media Awkwardness: When people "like" a relationship status of being single by your ex instead of yours.
The best occupation to work from home as: Bartender.
Sometimes, talking to a woman requires a translator.
In case I drink too much and pass out for a while, Happy New Year you guys.
Today I saw a sign for a suicide helpline on the back of a bus. Wouldn`t it be a lot more helpful if it was on the front?
Every-time I walk over a sewer grate I look down into it hoping to catch a glimpse of a Ninja Turtle
The only beachfront property I`ll ever be able to afford is a sandcastle.
I want to lose weight, but I don`t want to get caught up in one of those "Eat right and exercise" scams.
At least I know it wasn`t just me that was wondering if the cashier was a man or a woman. I just wish that my 5 year old didn`t ask.
Played Naked Twister last night and man, did it get RAUNCHY!....I can`t imagine what it would be like with other people.