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I bet Waldo`s parents are worried sick.
I’d tell you what I’m doing but I’ve learned from other evil villains not to announce my plans first.
"Probiotic" sounds a lot better than "bacteria infested"
Counting to ten when someone pisses you off works much better if you`re counting punches.
How to cure a headache: 1. Drink a glass of water. 2. Take 10 deep breathes. 3. Give headache your credit card & tell her to go to the mall.
All shoes are technically buy one get one free.
It isn`t a successful BBQ until some drunken idiot walks face first into a closed sliding glass door. I`m fine by the way.
Its ironic how the colors Red, White and Blue represent freedom... until they are flashing behind your back.
Some mornings I feel like leaving my coffee until its cold enough that I can just pour it directly into my eyes.
Story of my life : 1. i wake up .... 2. i go to school.... 3. i see a girl .... 4. i run to her and kiss her.... Actually, the right order is 2,3,4,1 ..
I`ve decided to add more positivity in my life. So, now when I say someone`s an a@#hole, I qualify it with......... but he`s really good at it...........and I`m positive about that!
No thank you.No thank you.No thank you.No thank you.No thank you.No thank you.No thank you.No thank you. I just want the oil change
Unless your name is “Google”, stop acting as if you know everything!
Apparently, driving past police cars while drinking water from an old vodka bottle isn`t `funny` and is technically `wasting` police time :(
When people introduce themselves to me for the first time, I tell them, "Yes, we`ve met before." So they feel awkward trying to remember me