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Women don`t want to hear what you think. Women want to hear what they think.
How can so many movies be “based on real events” when no one farts?
Sawing a hole in the bottom of a table to steal someone`s cake is way harder than it looks on cartoons.
Waitress: "Hi, my nam-" Me: "Vodka martini, please."
Sometimes my attention span is shorter than a gold fish crackers are delicious.
I`m more confused than a homeless person on house arrest.
I`m not lazy, I`m in energy saving mode.
Just saw a group of kids trying to put another kid into a dumpster, I had to step in, They couldn`t even lift him, We high-fived & laughed
I glued the TV remote to my wife. I`m expecting her to go missing any second now.
I will be good today... I will be good today... I will be good today... Yeah.... I didn`t believe it either..
I almost forgot to upload a pic of my Starbucks coffee. What a waste of coffee that would have been!
I decided to bury the hatchet with that neighbor I never got along with. After all, it is the murder weapon.
I think my phone has a Miley virus,It stopped twerking
I ordered an Asian hooker last night. She showed up 2 hours late. She loved me wrong time.
When 12 year old girls call each other honey and sweet heart...