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I miss the life I planned in my head.
Yesterday I had to screw in a light bulb . Later, I crossed a road and walked into a bar. My life is a joke.
Pretty cool how the internet lets you stay connected with people you haven`t seen in years and silently judge them on a daily basis.
I remember, once upon a time... for about 2 seconds... about 13 years ago... I almost gave a damn.
If you receive an e-mail that says: ``FREE JUSTIN BIEBER CONCERT TICKETS`` Don`t open it! It may contain free Justin Bieber concert tickets.
Today`s society is a good example of what happens when you let the clowns run the circus.
If you piss off a girl, just play dead. That sh!t works with bears and they`re just as dangerous as angry women.
Remember when teachers asked to lie quietly with your head on your desk? My boss has yet to be impressed with this skill.
Every time I go into my boss` office she tells me "take a seat". I have 14 now.
Iām not the kind of person you ever put on speaker phone.
Like a good neighbor, strip clubs are there
Dear Rebecca Black, you are the most beautiful And prettiest girl in the world. Don`t let the haters get you down. P.S Forgot to mention today`s opposite day.
Just read an article about a new species of spider in Sri Lanka that is the size of an average human`s face. In an unrelated matter, I have decided to NEVER visit Sri Lanka.
The only thing worse than it raining after you wash your car is having to go poop after you get out of the shower.
I guess I`m somewhat of a big deal, when I tell people about my accomplishments, they always say, "Big deal."