Daily Silly Status

"Check, please!" - Me, at a restaurant begging the waiter to make sure there are no monsters under the table

I´m pretty sure I had a good time last night. Let me finish reading the police report and I´ll let you know.

Scientist say that universe is made up of Electrons, Protons and Neutrons...They forgot to mention MORONS...

They say that nobody is perfect, then they say that practice makes perfect. I wish they`d make up their mind

I`ve been told that I never take responsibility for anything, and it`s all your fault.

I believe in helping the homeless. That`s why every year I buy a new refrigerator and throw away the box.

you know that awkward moment when you think someone`s talking to you so you reply to them and then they look over at you with that disgusted facial expression that says "wtf ..no"

She said she was stripping to feed her kids but then got pissed when I started throwing canned goods at her

I feel sorry for people who don`t have dogs. I hear they have to pick up food they drop on the floor.

Here`s a list of things I need you to accomplish without any resources to do them with. -management

Me: My bed is so warm and cosy. I never want to leave. Bladder: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

My daughter asked me why I carry a gun inside the house. I told her I was scared of the CIA. She laughed. I laughed. Amazon Echo laughed.

You can get super human strength when put in life or death situations. Last night I uncorked a bottle of wine with my teeth during a tantrum...

Didn`t have to do much to end my last relationship...she first told me that "opposites attract"...then a couple of days later she told me i was handsome, kind, smart, funny and loving...

Be nice to people on your way up so they won’t get suspicious when you’re rich and you invite them to your island to hunt them for sport.