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I always take a number at the deli, and I`ve been keeping them.... Eventually I`ll have all the numbers and it will always be my turn.
We can only blame ourselves for all the crime and violence today, we removed all the phone booths and now Superman has nowhere to change...
Adulthood – Pros: You can now eat ice cream in bed. Cons: This will somehow make you sadder.
I just read the words "untimely death" and thought, "Man, I hope my death is timely."
We are guaranteed "life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness". So, why did happiness get a Lamborghini and I got a `74 Pinto?????
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
So I harvested my tomato today, it`s bound to be good considering the $43.29 I invested to plant it.
Leftover bacon? Lol that’s up there with unicorns, leprechauns, and soulmates.
Part of being sane is being a little bit crazy.
New marital Status update : Taken, but only for GRANTED
Relationship Status: Very relieved socks can`t get pregnant.
Want to watch a nerd have a melt down? Tell him that you just bought an Android Ipad.
I had my Crayola guy re-run the numbers,,, and there`s only 36 shades of grey
If Reincarnation ends up being real... Those People who got "YOLO" tattoos are going to look... Pretty Silly
LOSE WEIGHT FAST! Mix equal parts warm water, apple cider vinegar, & lemon juice toss that disgusting sh!t into a sink & get on a treadmill.