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I pay $200 a month for car insurance, I`ll run all the red lights I want
I didn`t want to grow up; I just wanted to be able to reach the cookies.
I will write something profound ... subsoil!
I’m not fat... my stomach is 3D.
I’d be much more interested in meeting people if I didn’t think most people were idiots.
His idea of cleanliness is sweeping the room with a glance.
You can learn a lot from a person especially when you watch them through high powered binoculars, I`m just saying.
I got my stomach by doing as many crunches as I can everyday. Usually either Nestle or Captain.
This Halloween, the only Candy I`m interersted in swings from a pole and has daddy issues
I bet my church never imagined it was even possible to twerk to Amazing Grace.
I wish I had a job where I could punch stupid motherf*ckers in the face all day.
Yes... I repost. Isn`t that kinda the point? Spread the love and shit? Mostly shit... But that`s your fault...
I always have a note in my pocket that says "john did it" just in case I`m murdered because I don`t want him to remarry
“Have you tried just eating a ton of pizza?”- me as a therapist
If you weren`t supposed to eat 15 Oreos in one sitting, they wouldn`t package them in rows of 15.