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I’m starting to think plates are called china because most of them look the same.
Survival rule #1: You go first.
NERD WEDDING: Instead of saying “I do.” They say “I accept the terms & conditions.”
People keep asking me what my resolutions are, like they can`t see I`m already perfect...
Remember, no matter how bad a day you may be having, no matter how sh!tty a situation you may be in... I`m feeling great. So it`s all good!
My boss told me to have a good day so I went home.
It’s interesting how the ads on Youtube never have trouble buffering
I used to be a terrible flirt ... I am much better at it now.
The really cool thing about being a husband is having your mistakes constantly pointed out.
I once overdosed on Viagra. My wife took it really hard.
I got the girl to hysterically laugh today just by asking her out for a date.
There was a HUGE spider in the shower.. So I ran into the living room screaming naked.. Now my daughters` friends probably won`t be allowed over anymore..
Anyone know how to get a red wine stain off a baby? asking for a friend
When I see someone yawn, I yawn. I wish it was the same with exercising....
"Don`t let a hot date turn into a due date."--my father`s actual sex talk with me when I was 13.