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If you`re going to be a d!ck.. At least be a big one.
Hey ladies breastfeeding in public,...Why don`t you ever smile in my pictures?
I met a woman on a dating site that said she was high maintenance when I finally saw her it looked more like she was in need of major repairs
Picked up a hitchhiker last night. He said thanks how do you know I’m not a serial killer? I replied the chances of two serial killer’s being in the same car are astronomical.
I bet Snowmen think it`s weird that the ground is completely covered in their skin.
shoutout to people who have money but still order off the dollar menu
If I`m carrying a torch for you it`s only because I want to set you on fire.
I see subway employees are still having their "how much lettuce can you fit on a sandwich" contest.
My original account got suspended for aggressive behavior and they haven`t even seen me in bed yet.
Never underestimate a woman`s ability to make you feel responsible and guilty for her mistakes.
I know my limits. I don’t pay any attention to them, but I know them.
I`m not saying I`m out of shape but I just stretched, got winded, and need to lie down
My ex says that he will dance on my grave. I`ve now arranged to be buried at sea
Just think, there is an entire generation of idiots who will wonder: "Why did they have a hashtag button on landline phones?"
i made a chicken salad the other day. little bastard didn`t even eat it.