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I don`t try to annoy people; its just a gift.
You can look at some people and instantly know they’re only going to get two awards in life, a birth and a death certificate.
Good news: I can still do a full split! Bad news: It wasn`t on purpose!
´s status message is better than yours
I just don`t want to look back and think "I could`ve eaten that"
I`m for driverless cars, but honestly, having to drive is the only thing standing in the way of me being a complete drunk piece of sh!t 24/7
Excuse me but which level of Hell is this?
Don’t be ashamed of who you are. That’s your parents job.
Oops, just bought vodka instead of milk again
As a nation, we may be spending our children`s money, but at my house, it`s the other way around.
Judging by all of the cologne and shower sets I got for Christmas either people know I like to smell good or I am failing at it.
No, I do not want to talk about how I got all these scratches. On a completely unrelated note; If you`ve ever wondered how many squirrels fit in a pillowcase,,,.. it’s 9.
Everything happens for a reason. Sometimes that reason is that you`re stupid and make bad decisions.
Relationship status: Just kissed my cat and he got up and moved to the other end of the couch.
Keep up the good work, people who make free porn available.