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Women don`t want to hear what you think. Women want to hear what they think.
I force my dog to watch animal abuse commercials just to show him how good he has it.
You may think I`m dumb but you overestimate me.
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the person’s likes and dislikes. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
Really discouraging that there`s still bald people in sci fi movies.
You know you`re getting old when cops make you feel safe instead of nervous.
I see your Full House and I raise you 3 episodes of Home Improvement. -Me, not knowing how to play poker, but loving 90`s TV
Today is the first day of the rest of my Vodka.
My daughter exclaims "Cheers!" before she takes a drink of juice. So no, actually, I am NOT looking forward to parent - teacher conferences.
Let`s be honest. The only reason you listen to your voice-mail messages is to make the stupid icon disappear
The only idea worse than New Coke was brown toilet paper...
People really need to get with the times. Smartphones are not for talking anymore.
I just heard "Eye of the Tiger" and now I`m motivated to conquer the world. Or at least get out of my pajamas.
If you see me out somewhere and act like you didn`t, you should know that I ignored you first.
Let’s fix the obesity problem AND improve eye-hand coordination by replacing vending machines with claw machines, make people earn snacks.