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Your baby looks the same as it did yesterday. Me, commenting on a Facebook picture.
When I hear a person say "My Mom didn`t raise no dummy", I feel like saying "She lied to you"
Guys... If the girl your getting down with doesn`t even have time to fake an orgasm..... It`s prob best you just make your sandwich
I have been left unsupervised yet again. This usually leads to trouble & other bad things, please have bail money ready and keep your phone on.
the jeremy kyle show, the only place you`ll see a six month old baby with more teeth than thier parents
The term "bath toys" has a whole new meaning when you`re an adult
What if the lightbulb had never been invented? How would we know when someone has a really good idea?
These kids next door to me need to quit yelling. I`m about to wake up their mom and send her back over there.
Raise your hand if you have already spent your daylight savings
I know the voices ain`t really, but man, do they ever come up with some great ideas.
Reckon the first person to make popcorn by accident probably ran away
To a musician, a g-string means something completely different than it does to me. .
Setting an alarm is how we ruin days that haven`t even started yet.
I`m so poor I went to the ducks today to beg for bread...
My wife can suffer in silence louder than anyone I know.