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Don’t judge me…If you’re reading this then you aren’t working either.
My bank statement is just a visual record of bad decisions
One time I asked some girl what she was thinking. By the time she finished her thought we had 2 children.
...you ever ponder why that page was intentionally left blank?
Sometimes when I wave my hands in the air, I actually do care.
I`m already going to hell ... now I`m just trying to get a good spot.
I bet the guy who invented fake dog poo was upset the name "shampoo" was taken
In a perfect world Taco Bell would deliver...
Few things in life are more pleasurable than turning off the lights in a public bathroom while people are still inside
I don`t like country music, but I don`t mean to denigrate those who do. And for the people who like country music, denigrate means `put down`.
There was a spider in my bathtub so I got a tissue and very carefully burned the house down.
If my week was a YouTube video, Monday would be that crappy ad that doesn`t let you skip.
1) Go to Starbucks 2) Order coffee 3) Tell them your name is Waldo 4) Leave
Only you can prevent bathroom mirror pictures.
just bought 400 copies of Hoarders: Season 1. Not sure what to do with them.