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I don`t regret burning bridges. I regret that some people weren`t on those bridges when I burned them.
It takes one slow walking person in the grocery store, to remove the illusion that I`m a nice person.
That awkward moment when you go for a run and your boobs start to bounce up and down.......and you`re a guy.
Relax, you’re not paranoid at all. Everyone is talking about you.
I went to McDonalds, put 5 dollars on the counter and said "Surprise me". Because I never get what I ask for anyway!
Cashier: "Would you like to donate to charity today or are you a giant piece of sh!t?"
Absence makes the heart grow fonder, but my boss just gets mad when I don`t come into work.
Is it just me, or that sea witch Ursula from the Little Mermaid inspired from a full blown flamboyant drag queen?
Amnesia sounds so relaxing.
I have a pornographic memory... Go ahead and get naked, I`ll remember you.
To the lady at Costco with her son on a leash. I`m sorry that I asked if he was a rescue.
If a lesbian c*ckblocks another lesbian, is that considered a beaver dam?
Bulimia: Twice the taste. Zero Calories.
You seem to have a good grip on reality. You`re new here, aren`t you?
I don`t understand interventions. What`s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?