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Now there’s Adderall to perk up, Xanax to calm down, Prozac to feel normal. In my day we drank beer for all three.
*Me washing my car* Person: Hey what’s up? Washing your car? Me: No, I’m watering it to see if it’ll grow into a bus.
Contrary to popular belief, it`s actually the fat that makes you look fat. It was never the dress
Today is the day I go back to the gym. Tomorrow is when I stop telling lies.
Roses are red, violets are blue, If i had a brick id throw it at you.
That moment when you wake up at 2 o`clock a.m and remember how crappy that after earth movie was and you go back to sleep immediately
The art of taking a self pic fast enough that no one sees you. The Stealthfie.
Everyday I run into someone who pushes me past the limits of my medication.
Anyone else think there should be a sarcasm font?
Pay no attention to the device around my ankle.
I’ve got about as much self control as two rabbits on a first date!
There`s a big difference between a mechanic and a surgeon when they work on a tranny.
9/10 students agree that someone got lost on the field trip
I got in touch with my inner child and the little sh!t hung up on me.
You should never answer your phone during sex, particularly if it`s your wife calling.