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Bring multiple sets of clothes to work, change every hour, and act like nothing’s different.
This complimentary lemonade at the doctor`s office tastes funny.
If our son ever decides he wants to play sports, I`ll sign up to be his coach. It`s important that he knows that I`ll swear at other kids too.
A plus side to being my friend is that you can come to my house in your pajamas and I won’t judge you because I too will be in my pajamas.
Do whatever you want. And if it’s something you’re going to regret in the morning…sleep late.
if your happy and you know it ---thank your ex
If a Jehovah`s Witness dies and goes to heaven...does God hide behind the pearly gates and pretend he`s not in?
Can I have a free unlimited day trial of being attractive?
props to the parent at the mall that walked up afterward to ask santa what his kid wanted lol
They say that when one door closes, another one opens. Apparently, "they" have never been to jail.
Use Angie`s List if you want a plumber to come over. Use Craigslist if you want that plumber to come over with no pants.
Unless you fell off the stairmaster and a barbell fell on your face... no one wants to hear about your workout.
In order for three people to keep a secret, two must be dead!
What did the sushi say to the bee? Wasabi.
Marriage is just a fancy word for adopting an overgrown man child who can`t take care of himself.