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Netflix is raising rates again? Man, whoever`s password I`m using has got to be pissed!
Sometimes Google should just come back with a message that says "trust me, you don`t want to know."
It may not look like it, but I`m actually very handsome.
My life is like Monopoly: sometimes I`m the race car, sometimes I`m the iron. But usually I`m a peanut because I`ve lost all the game pieces.
Saying "I`m offended" is basically telling the world you can`t control your own emotions so everyone else should do it for you.
I really like it when women check me out, they seem to be able to work the register a lot better than men.
My neighbor came rudely banging at my door at 2:30 am, luckily for him I was up practicing on my new drums
Respect your elders. They made it through school without Google and Wikipedia.
I`m not drunk ... But I`m working on it.
I`m doing the KFC Bucket Challenge!
The only thing alcohol can`t cure is alcoholism.
I Hope I can make it through another season of disagreement over the pronunciation of pecan.
I’m always disappointed when a liar’s pants don’t actually catch on fire.
If at first you don’t succeed, you shouldn’t diffuse bombs.
Back in the day, Mom gave us two dinner choices. What she cooked or jack sh!t....