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My dog acts like his entire family was murdered by a vacuum cleaner.
that awkward moment when you`re scuba diving and you see Adele rolling in the deep.
A hard thing about business is minding your own
The divorce rate is almost at 60%. How does Cupid keep his job with that level of failure?
I enjoy planting sex toys at yard sales in nice neighborhoods, then sit back to watch the magic unfold.
Sarcasm is just one of the many services I offer to people who ask stupid questions.
Saying you like one political party over another, is like saying one filthy whore is prettier than the other filthy whore.
I’m surprised more people don’t Photoshop a cleaner house into the background of their pictures.
You would be amazed how cheap lawn mowers are at Home Depot when you own a pickup truck and a orange apron.
I read in a book somewhere that we only use 12% of our brains....I wonder what the other half is for?
I’m awkward when people compliment me. “Nice hair” “Thanks, I grew it myself”
Home alone… Time to teach the neighbors what good music sounds like!
My last relationship was almost as complicated as the knot my pocket created with my headphones.
That moment when you spell a word so wrong that even auto correct is like....`I`ve got nothing man.`
Hey officer, why did you stop me? Just an hour ago, you said that you never wanted to see me again.