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Anyone who says sunshine brings happiness has never danced in the rain.
Hair growing from my ears and nostrils doesn`t mean I`m getting old, right? Means I`m turning into a werewolf! Right?
It may look like Iām having really deep thoughts but 99% of the time Iām just thinking about what food Iām going to eat later.
I bet my road rage would be taken more seriously if I spoke German
When I was your age, we had to walk 10 miles in the snow to get drunk and have sā¬x.
When people start praying before a meal, I close my eyes and imagine how far I could throw a potato if I really put my heart into it.
Watching MTV Cribs makes me feel better about downloading music off the internet.
If you were born after 1990, you will never know the frustration of having to rewind your parents porn tapes to the exact same spot...
Home sounds like a nice place, until they say they`re going to put you in one.
According to serving sizes tonight, I`m a family of 4.
I don`t make a very good first impression, but if you hang around, my forty-third one is pretty cool.
Girl: What color are my eyes? Guy: 34D.
I dont even bother filling out the "From" field on gift tags during xmas. One look at the wrap job, and its VERY obvious.
I saw a bug crawling on my arm and my reaction can only be described as "grabbing for swirling dollars inside a Plexiglas Cash Cube."
Billion dollar idea: Meth with Flouride