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Some people look for a perfect relationship, but all I want is a cheeseburger that looks like the ones on commercials!
How could a man who is covered in tattoos be afraid of commitment?
If only life was as easy as getting fat.
My teen thought it`d be funny to post as me on Facebook. I laughed and laughed and changed the wi-fi password. Good times!
Whatever you do in life, always give 100%…unless you’re donating blood…
You can look at some people and instantly know they’re only going to get two awards in life, a birth and a death certificate.
I always advise people never to give advice.
I got drunk last night and my house wasn`t where I left it.
If you lick the frosting off a cupcake it becomes a muffin, muffins are healthy :) your welcome.
Whenever I see people lined up outside a club on Friday night, I just think “look at all these poor people who don’t know Netflix exists.”
To whoever has my voodoo doll, please scratch between my butt cheeks. I`m out in public. Thanks.
I bet wrecking ball operators are some of the happiest people in the world.
What did the sushi say to the bee? Wasabi.
Played hide and seek today. I was winning until the cops let the K9 off of the leash.
What`s the difference between ignorance and apathy? I don`t know and I don`t care.