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I`m amazed at the mileage my car is getting. I`m still running off the same tank of gas I bought last year!
I don`t hate anyone. I just don`t like people.
At my age I can no longer function without my glasses. Especially when they`re empty.
My screensaver is a screenshot of a bunch of spreadsheets so my boss doesn’t notice when I haven’t moved my mouse in an hour.
Every time I go into my boss` office she tells me "take a seat". I have 14 now.
When I was a kid, I told my parents I was going to make something of myself. I think they are getting impatient.
I love that little thing that you do...You know, the one where you leave.
I made a huge TO DO list for this weekend. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
Why does using a straw make it so much harder to admit there’s no more soda?
I need to find a job where I am paid solely on how awesome I am.
When someone says "Surprise me", I quickly drop my pants.
Would the 2 Sonic dudes just get it over with and kiss already
Due to no supervision and sheer lack of self control; I sincerely with GREAT guilt! Here now inform you. I ate your banana split
Someone stole my identity and returned it 10 minutes later.
Twitter is proof that people should not be allowed to name themselves.