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I am trying my very best to get into the holiday spirit but I cant open the damn bottle.
The weekend went by and I don’t remember any of it. That’s a good thing right?
I`m having fruit salad for dinner, well, it`s mostly grapes...crushed grapes ...ok, it`s wine, I`m having wine!
Note To Self: Even if someone really needs it, strangling them is still illegal.
Coffee : Starter fluid for the morning impaired.
My credit card company says I have an outstanding balance. I’m flattered.
I poured some shampoo over my speakers today and they blew up... So much for EXTRA VOLUME.
Hell hath no fury like your kid catching you throw away ANYTHING, EVER. I smuggle out broken crayons like a Mexican drug lord..
I can already tell it`s going to be another one of those mornings where I`m not rich and famous.
Found out today your supposed to urinate on a jellyfish sting, not a jelly stain. Sorry lady at waffle house....just trying to help.
Playing dead on the couch all day in case a bear attacks. That`s not lazy, that`s proactive.
I`m sorry but, I could not hear you over the sound of my internal hope that you would shut the f*ck up.
Calling all men...Eboli can live up to two months in semen..YES! You better wash your socks.
Few people have the balls to admit when they`re wrong. Then again, few people have talking balls.
Was hating my job until I drove past a grown man dressed as a Taco on the side of the road. Thanks again Perspective