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United States is where moms get a day and shark get a whole week.
I wouldn’t have to manage my anger, if people could learn to manage their stupidity.
feels like getting some work done ... so I am sitting down until the feeling passes.
Shout out to all the kids who could never find their name on souvenir keychains and license plates. That sh!t hurt.
The first guy who bought pants had to go to the store without pants on, and that’s how science works.
Remember that there’s always someone cooler, smarter, stronger or sexier than you. That would be me.
If people don`t occasionally walk away from you shaking their heads, you`re doing something wrong.
You offer someone a sincere compliment on their mustache and suddenly she’s not your friend anymore.
I’m right 97% of the time…who cares about the other 4%.
When I`m really bored at work I like to write "I`m watching you" on the toilet paper a few squares in just to mess with people.
Calm down shouty museum man. I think it`s pretty obvious that I know how to ride a dinosaur skeleton.
I hope when the machines take over the world they start by fixing my cable.
Can`t they just make a "Poke infinity" button?
Rabbits jump & they live for 8 yrs. Dogs run & they live for 15 yrs. Turtles don’t do anything & they live for 150 years. LESSON LEARNED!
I just googled, "understanding women," the computer crashed.