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I saw a poor old lady fall over today, at least I presume she was poor, she only had $ 1,20 in her purse
Take mentos and freeze into ice cubes. Put the ice cubes in your friend’s drink. After five minutes their drink will randomly explode.
Flight to Vegas...guy in front of me has a bouquet made up of dollar bills. Pro Tip: That stripper will never marry you bro.
I just want you all to know, whatever problems you might be having, I`m here to `like` them.
Ladies, when a creepy guy asks for your # and hands u his phone, text REDCROSS to 90999 so he`ll donate $10 to Disaster Relief.
My living room is pretty much a fat camp without rules.
A colon is used to indicate a list of elements to the sentence preceding it. A semicolon is for making winky faces.
Sometimes at the gym I`ll struggle and make all kinds of awkward grunting sounds, but eventually I`ll get my shorts on.
Lame! I was tricked into watching PS, I Love You! It`s definitely NOT about a guy that marries his PlayStation.
The problem with alcohol is that... it wears off.
Everyone, please... a moment of silence for all my married friends who have a shared Facebook account.
HR have advised that I’m not allowed to ask my chubby co-workers if they ate my missing stapler.
Jesus, take the wheel. Carlos, you take the stereo & I`ll take lookout.
My To-Do list for today is just a bunch of things I wanna eat.
Our swear jar is always empty because of all the god damn foul mouthed thieves that live in this f*cking house.