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All sex is safe sex if you keep your bright orange reflective vest on.
I was in a taxi and the driver said "I love my job. I`m my own boss and nobody tells me what to do!" I said "That`s really great, now take a left here."
English = Hello. Spanish = Hola. French = Bonjour. Japanese = Konnichiwa. Chinese = Nî Hâo. Italian = Ciao. Me = Sup B*tches.
People should have to pass an IQ test to use the internet.
I have a kid in Africa I inoculate, feed, clothe and send to school for only $1 day. It cost a lot to send him over there though.
Whenever I get a message that begins with “Hey Stranger” I know I’m about to be asked for a favor by someone I don’t want to help.
I know I should lift weights, but those things are heavy!!
I hope my last words aren’t “What does this thing do?”
I was only 6 numbers away from winning the powerball.
I got in touch with my musculine side today - laying on the couch all day, eating gross food, playing games...
Trust me, I am a liar.
Dear women at Walmart with 6 screaming kids: if your wondering how that box of condoms got in your cart.... Your welcome!
Cops are allowed to tell women they have the right to remain silent, but when I do it I wind up with a fork in my leg.
I put the PRO in inappropriate!
If by time, you mean vodka, then yes, time does heal all wounds.