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I miss the life I planned in my head.
Karate is just a violent way of making people smell your feet.
My job blocked the Favstar website and I`m not sure if I should quit or take hostages. Haha! Jk. I`m totally taking hostages.
Be friend with stupid people.., feel like genius all the time
My parents say its their house, but when its time to clean it magically becomes my house too.
Know the rules well so you can break them effectively.
Not to brag but my new mistress is a lingerie model. OK, fine. A mannequin. But she doesn`t talk much and I like that.
"Karate" is an old Japanese word that means, "My kid can`t hit a baseball."
I remember my single days like it was 11 years, 1 month, and 12 days ago.
If you’re a size 0 we shouldn’t be able to see you.
Sneaking alcohol into work is pretty easy, if you put it in your stomach first.
I just realised that sex is like air..its not important unless you are not getting any.
People are like slinkeys; they don’t really serve a purpose, but you can’t help but laugh when one of them falls down the stairs.
Good job on the speed traps, cops – How are the murderer traps coming along?
I read that India launched a rocket to Mars the other day. That seems like a strange place to put a call center?