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I got some new underwear. Well, new to me...
If you say married people aren’t having sex, you have obviously never sat in a hotel bar & watched them pick up strangers.
I often fantasize about lying naked in bed, surrounded by various bags of chips and I have octopus arms so I can eat all the chips at once.
Do you ever bring your pet up to a mirror and you`re just like, "That is you."
Offering someone food and secretly hoping they say no.
If you`re going to be stupid, don`t do it on Facebook.
"Let`s give the bad guy a ponytail." - 80s movies
Did you ever notice how a woman’s “I’ll be ready in 5min” and a guys “I’ll be home in 5min” are one and the same?
Apparently you have to go to the gym more than once to get in shape, what the heck.
I hate it when I put a status and you don`t like it,example this one.
Video Game Logic: Everyone worse than me is my bitch and everyone better than me has no life.
Having a mohawk used to mean you were tough. Now it means you’re a 3 year-old with annoying parents.
Right now my glass is half empty...Hey Bartender!!!
There`s been a whole lot of office Romance since I became self employed...
Relationship Status: Very relieved socks can`t get pregnant.