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I don`t like surprises so, I never open my Electric Bill or my Bank Statement.
The best thing about the internet is how quickly you can offend the maximum amount of people with minimum effort
The only correct answer to "Are you ticklish?" is "I will kill you."
Forecast for tonight: Dark.
Girls are like roads, the more curves, the more dangerous they are.
Don`t hate every single one of your friends yet? Get Facebook.
You know it`s gonna be a sh!tty day when you put your bra on backwords and it fits better.
If you get pulled over in a Smart Car for speeding, you should get a standing ovation, not a ticket.
Someday, somewhere, somehow I’m going to do something.
According to customer service I can not bring sexy back... Without the receipt, apparently.
I hope when the machines take over the world they start by fixing my cable.
Let`s be honest. If God wanted us to be vegetarians, he would have made cows faster.
Being ‘clean and sober’ means I’ve showered and I’m headed to the liquor store.
If you cannot FACE your problem, then the problem is your FACE.
I’m not lazy, I just really enjoy doing nothing.