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I bet the guy made of money in the Gieco commercial doesn`t ever ride his motorcycle on Martin Luther King Blvd in any town.
See, this is why I never like too wake up, it means doing things.
Why would I buy a pumpkin at the store for $5 when I can drive 30 miles and pay to walk through a field to pick our own for $27.
All milk is breast milk.
You’re not in a serious relationship until he leaves you in a room alone with his phone.
sometimes... late at night... i rearrange traffic signs. people need to be challenged.
I react to "Someone has tagged a photo of you..." in the same way I react to a doctor saying, "Your test results came back..."
I`m sending a whole bunch of emails to random Nigerians letting them know they`ve won the Canadian lottery.
When ur mom Calls and u have a party at ur house you; shut up!! Answers phone you; hi mommy!
True Story: People will believe you when start a story saying "True story"
If you see me smiling in public it means I’m laughing at the jokes I tell myself in my head.
Mister Rogers didn`t adequately prepare me for the people in my neighborhood.
Walmart does not have a dildo section. But it`s always fun to ask their employees if they do.
The problem with sex in the movies is the popcorn usually spills.
I wish all these vegetarians would stop eating my food´s food!