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It makes me sad that so many women feel like they have to wear makeup and clothes.
The next time there`s an awkward silence, try whispering, "Did you forget your line?"
Apologizing for canceling a meeting is like saying sorry for buying me a beer.
You offer someone a sincere compliment on their mustache and suddenly she’s not your friend anymore.
Women seem to want security. At least that`s what they yell whenever I approach them.
Seven years ago today I swallowed bubblegum ... I`ll keep you all posted.
Life is like a box of chocolates. Get your own and stay the hell out of mine.
I`ve already had two beers which automatically means my day is already better than yours.
I’m planning on ringing the new year in with a kiss ... whether my dog likes it or not.
Key to a Happy Life: Get a job where people ask, “You actually get paid for doing this?”
She calls it cuddling. I call it strategic body placement for the war of the covers that is about to take place.
Don’t start an argument with a girl because they have 45030194 GB memories and will bring up something you did at 2:27PM on April 23rd 2008.
My newsfeed looks like a cross between a Civil War Soldier and ZZ Top photo album.
Roger that command center, we have arrived at our destination and will commence countdown..............Sir this is McDonalds how may I help you
Research shows that 100% of the time when someone says “oh no she didn’t!” she most definitely did.