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Stop everything you’re doing. Think about me. You’re welcome.
Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I`m like HOLY CRAP I`M OUTSIDE.
Marriage is for quitters
Drive-Thru Workers: The longer you make me wait in line, the more change will be used for my payment...
is deep in thought . . . if only i could remember what i was thinking about
I think I will start calling my wife "My Customer" since she is always right...
Running feels great unless you compare it to not running
You don’t look like 200 likes in person.
Saying “sounds good” is probably the nicest way to abruptly end a conversation.
I hope the final frame of Breaking Bad is white text on black background: "None of this would have happened if we had Universal Healthcare."
Apparently “cheesecake & tacos” wasn’t the answer the interviewer was looking for when he asked me what my weaknesses are.
You know nothing about a woman until she`s drunk and mad at you
A woman’s mind is cleaner than a man’s…That’s because she changes it more often.
Roger that command center, we have arrived at our destination and will commence countdown..............Sir this is McDonalds how may I help you
Leave a comment if you`ve started drinking. Hit the `Like` button if you`re already sh!tfaced. *Cheers*