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Apparently, walking up behind a girl in the produce isle with celery in my hand and saying "I`m stalking you" was much funnier in my head.
Today, A 12 year-old came up to me and said "May I please have a cigarette?". I can`t believe kids this age are already so polite.
I will always love you, even if I have to from no closer than 300 feet.
You would never know I had a college degree if you saw how many times I tried to push when it says pull.
Parenting tip: if you beat one child with the other child you can tell people they were just fighting. You`re welcome
You know you`ve picked the right friends if no one has nominated you for the ice bucket challenge
I followed my heart...Now I`m at the liquor store.
I don’t understand why I cant lose weight. I thought dieting was a piece of cake.
I love it when someone insults me. That means I don`t have to be nice anymore.
I will stop drinking when Captain Morgan puts his foot down.
Adding "and sh!t" to the end of a sentence to make it sound cooler and sh!t.
I checked into a hotel this weekend. I told the girl I hoped the porn channel was disabled. She said "No, its just regular porn, you sicko"
If I had a dollar for every time I had a nickel.......
Considering this is the land of the free, stuff is pretty damn expensive.
Every store should have one line for people who have their sh!t together.