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Nobody wants to know your diet. So shut up, eat your lettuce and be sad.
When someone says “you’re the best,” just know that it’s not really true because I’m the best.
Whenever I read: "Do not exceed recommended dose" I always think, "Challenge accepted!"
I just want one spam email that`s like, "Congratulations! You have a perfect-sized p*nis."
Some of the best moments in life are the ones you can’t tell anyone about.
I`m pretty sure the whole "ladies first" thing was created by a guy just to check out a$$.
If you don`t leave a buffet looking like someone told you bad news you didn`t get your money`s worth.
I’m not shy, I’m just really good out figuring out who is not worth talking to.
Sign said “WET PAINT” So I emptied my water bottle on it. I’m currently waiting on further instructions.
If those Febreeze commercials with rooms filled with stinking, rotting garbage convince you to buy their product. Here`s a heads up for you........ You need to clean your freaking house!!!
My wife said to go out and buy something that makes her look hot & sexy for Valentine`s Day! So I got drunk.
Having a bad day? Imagine a T-Rex trying to masturbate. you`re welcome.
Taco Tuesday sends a terrible message to our nation`s children. They need to know that tacos are always an option no matter what day it is.
According to the customer service, the cable guy should be here sometime between 10:00 a.m. and the return of Christ.
What the world needs is a self help movie, cause lets face it, most of us won`t buy the book.