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How the hell do you call Batman during the day?
Teleportation seems like an awesome idea until the creepy guy from down the street is suddenly washing your back in the shower.
You`d think my boss would know me by now and stop asking me everyday if I`ve been drinking.
I haven`t been drinking. I know what day it is. I didn`t lose my pants. This might be my car. I know how to drive. -Lies I`ve told to cops.
My wife told me her favourite position is when i lay very very still for a few hours........late at night....until the alarm clock goes off in the morning.
I`ve grown up a lot recently. For example, I used to drink beer all day and now I drink wine.
Two of the most honest people in the world; drunk people and little kids
Make fun of George Bush all you want, but he would have found a way to bomb North Korea before they shut down Hollywood.
A cheap way to get Botox face is by walking your dog in zero degree temperature.
Today is the first day of the rest of my Vodka.
I feel it`s important for you to know, no matter what I`m faced with and when given the option, I am that guy who will send you a voice-mail marked confidential.
The skinny girl inside me once tried to come out. I shut that b*tch up with a cupcake
Not clicking like on this status makes your a$$ look fat.
Do you have neighbors?.. Do you have extension cords?..... Are you paying too much for electricity?
Once my ex knocked on my door & then shouted that it was her, so I texted “im not home” then seconds later I texted “if u happen to be here”