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Time heals all wounds...unless it`s infected or gangrene or something then time makes it worse.
I`m still kinda pissed that they never did tell us how to get to sesame street
Got an awesome watch for my birthday. It was waterproof, shockproof, fireproof, bulletproof, acidproof, childproof & scratchproof. I lost it already.
The most amazing thing about the internet is how it allows you, with the click of a few buttons, to do absolutely nothing with your life.
The right man will love you unconditionally, will be loyal, and will always be happy to see you. ... Oh wait, That`s my dog. My dog does that.
Shhh! Shhh! Shhh! Shhh! Shhh! Shhh! Shhh! Shhh! Shhh! Shhh! Shhh! Shhh! Shhh! Shhh! Shhh! Shhh! -Librarians arguing
To ensure you never cut yourself while chopping vegetables, get a friend to hold the vegetable.
I’m quite confident that the reason I’m single is because I didn’t forward that chain letter in 2003.
Never give up on your dreams, keep sleeping.
Deep down I don`t believe that paper beats rock.
The New iPhone 7 is coming out in August. If you want a sneak peek of the new iPhone. Take a look at your current iPhone and pretend it cost 200 dollars more.
I love talking about nothing. It’s the only thing I know anything about.
The guy behind me honked a nanosecond after the light turned green. So I put on my flashers and here I sit, tweeting about the whole thing
We`ll be friends `til we`re old and senile ... Then we`ll be new friends.
As long as I remind myself "The b!tch had it coming" is not a valid court defense, I`ll be ok