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My grocery list is just a piece of paper saying don`t run into anyone you know
My dad said if I don`t get of facebook in 3 seconds he would jab my face into the keyboahajsirksjapquebxm
If you knew what I considered to be my "best behavior" it`s doubtful you`d advise me to be "on it".
All I`m saying is why blame it on being lazy when you can blame it on being old?
You should always love a woman for her personality. We have so many to choose from.
In a parallel alternate universe, my cat and my dog have jobs and I chill at home.
Do you ever wonder how many people’s dreams you have been in?
We have GPS that can navigate you across the country. Why can`t someone invent a device that can remind you why you went into a room?
I’d be unstoppable if it wasn’t for law enforcement and physics.
Wanna try something funny? Go to a bank and yell "NOBODY MOVE..(Scary pause)..I lost a contact lens."
If there`s one thing I`ve learnt in life it`s to stay clothed during sensitive conversations.
I like it here because not only do I get to air out my dirty laundry, I get to see yours too.
I`m thinking about starting a vegetarian dance club... I`m going to call it "lettuce turnip the beets". What do you think?
If you fall, I`ll be there - Floor
Why does the person who snores always fall asleep first?