Daily Silly Status

Thanks to whoever made electrical outlets look like tiny screaming faces trapped inside my walls I can`t make eye contact.

When people said they sleep like a baby, it`s because they do not have one.

2 cops walk into a bar… I don’t know what happened after that. I got the f*ck out of there.

The phrase “Don’t take this the wrong way.” has a zero percent success rate.

I slammed the car door on my fingers this afternoon. In related news, there`s an 83% chance that my nephew just added "Mother*ucker" to his vocabulary.

I`m for driverless cars, but honestly, having to drive is the only thing standing in the way of me being a complete drunk piece of sh!t 24/7

I wonder how long I`ll be skinny from all this dieting and juicing I`ve been doing. 1 month? A year? A couple of ye....ooh look cake.

I never thought I’d be the kind of person who’d wake up early in the morning to exercise... and I was right.

How to tell if your wife is mad at you - Step 1. She is

Kid, I can take you out the same way I brought you into this world, by making it look like an accident.

Hillybilly Word Of The Day.."Twerk"..."Welp, I`m done with lunch so I`d better get back twerk!"

I’m pretty sure I could start a new life with only the crap in my car.

There`s no hiding it, my ex sucks at school... And in cars, alleys, and public restrooms...

The best thing about the internet is knowledge. You have all this knowledge at your fingertips! And we get to share what we learn with others! Oh...wait a second. I forgot about porn. OK I take it back. PORN is the best thing about the internet!

If it wasn`t for physics and law enforcement, I`d be unstoppable.