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Late to bed and early to rise, makes me really tired and pissed off.
"You know what, we need a huge spoon to take care of this" -Guy who invented shovels
May you never be as bored as whoever figured out that holding a seashell to your ear sounds like the ocean
Facial recognition software can pick out a person in a crowd, but this stupid vending machine at work can`t recognize my dollar bill with a bent corner...
Soul mates are people with the mutual understanding that no one else will put up with their sh!t.
Nothing says God is forgiving like hell.
Holidays, hotels and women. Three things that always look better online than in real life.
My right thumb is in the best shape of my life.
Might wake up early and go running but I also might win the lottery, the odds are about the same
Don`t let anyone tell you what you can`t accomplish. That`s what self-doubt is for.
This lady in Walgreens is staring at me like she’s never seen anyone put on deodorant and then put it back on the shelf.
hilarious
If it wasn`t for claustrophobia, lack of intelligence, and my intense fear of floating poop, I would`ve made a great astronaut.
I am not lazy, I`m on power saving mode
Dropped my son off for his first day of kindergarten today. Does anybody know what age you`re supposed to pick them up?