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I`ve spent approximately 2% of my life walking back to the trash can and checking the box to see how long I need to microwave my food.
I thought Match .com was a place to arrange fights to the death, but turns out it`s a website to find love. So I was close.
Holiday Shopping Tip #112:Next time you see someone with their arms full of bags looking around a parking lot while pointing and clicking their horn button, help them out and start pushing your horn button too!
I am out of wine, so I ate a bag of grapes and threw myself down the stairs.
I get a little nervous eating cucumber in a single woman`s home.
I`m not everyone`s cup of tea ... I`d rather be someone`s shot of tequila away.
Sorry for nicking your car with my door, but you didn`t leave much room. It`s small, but I circled it with my key so you could find it.
Think about how much more stressful life’s most stressful moments would be if accompanied by the running-out-of-time music in Mario Bros.
For lent I`m giving up sex, wait I`m not Catholic. Whoa, that was close
Swiss army knives are only like 8% knife.
I don`t care how old I am, if I go out to eat and there are crayons and paper placemats with puzzles... game on!
I tried to login on my iPad. Turns out it was an etch-a-sketch and I don`t own an iPad. Also. I`m out of alcohol.
Just picked the remote up off the floor with my feet while lying on the couch, so I guess today was leg day...
The original creator of the phrase “common sense” surely didn’t know many people.
I hate to rub it in, but lotion doesn`t really work otherwise.