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It must be really hard to judge a wet t-shirt contest because I saw one recently and all the t-shirts looked equally wet.
Nothing says "My life isn`t going exactly as I planned" quite like being at Wal Mart at 1am.
I`m always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank
Never realized how out of shape I was until I started sweating after using scissors for 30 seconds.
You don’t look like 200 likes in person.
With all the technology available now, you’d think they’d have found a way to grow apples without those little stickers.
You`re never too old to be spanked ...If you play your cards right.
If you’ve never pretended a Cheeto is a tiny caveman club, we can’t be friends.
Capitalization can really change a sentence. Example: I love to eat candy ... I love to eat capitalization.
Nobody texts faster than a pissed off female.
Of course bears sh!t in the woods, they do most of their stuff in the woods, very few bears own a house.
Cars should come with two horns: one that’s like “Hey guys!” & another that’s like “I will end you!”
Google must be a woman...it knows everything.
No man has ever won a game of `notice anything different about me?`
You must be a parking ticket or something for the word FINE is written all over you.