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This woman is so impressed at my driving that she got next to me just to show me she’s not wearing a ring. Thanks hun, but wrong finger!
I`ve fallen down the stairs before. I don`t see what joy the Slinky gets out of it. That sh!t hurts.
It`s hard to diet when your favorite exercise is chewing...
If I`ve learned anything from Facebook, it`s that you shouldn`t be learning on Facebook.
This Pokemon Go crap is getting ridiculous. I just saw a fight breakout between the pokebloods and the pokecrips.
The worst thing that can happen when you invite someone over to "watch a movie" is actually watching a movie.
Hey, does anyone know which side you`re supposed to wear your fanny pack on? I want to really nail this job interview tomorrow.
Why non-smokers don`t take bubble blowing breaks is beyond me
The differance between flirting and sexual harrassment ... If you`re attrative, it`s flirting.
Mirrors don`t lie. Lucky for you, they don`t laugh either.
Good morning friends … Wait … what the hell m I doing up this early?
Judging by the size of these chicken fingers, that chicken had to be somewhere between 7` to 10` tall.
Hey NSA... I accidentally deleted an email... Can I get you to forward me your copy?
No one answers their phones anymore... If I ever get arrested, I don`t want a damn phone call, I want a facebook posting.
If you can read this please let me know - because it means I blocked the wrong person.