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I`m not sure where you learned to whisper but I`m guessing inside a helicopter surrounded by f*cking chainsaws.
Who the hell is Pete, and why do we do things for his sake?
No officer, my speech isn`t slurred. I`m just talking in cursive.
Still waiting for the day I can illegally download groceries
I don`t have issues... I AM an issue
I stay a bit overweight because it wouldn`t be fair to all the skinny people if I were this attractive, intelligent, funny, AND thin ... It`s a public service really.
The best part about living by myself is not having to explain a lot of things......a LOT of things.
Life..it`s just an `F` in lie....
I think a good gauge of my personality is that I watch Homeland to relax.
My neighbors complained that I never mow my lawn. So I started mowing. The cops showed up at 3 a.m.. These neighbors are never happy...
Dear Life, Please, use a Lubricant.
Dear women at Walmart with 6 screaming kids: if your wondering how that box of condoms got in your cart.... Your welcome!
A guide to hating people. Step 1: get to know them.
I will kill you with kindness even if I have to beat the sh!t out of you.
Why does the sound of the recliner opening always remind my wife the trash needs to be taken out?