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Boys are like roses, watch out for the pr!cks...
It doesn’t matter what it is. It is automatically cool if it glows in the dark.
Congrats on winning an argument with your woman...... Your prize is a night on the couch.
As i walk thru the valley of the shadow of death i was like what da f**k am i doin here
Euphoria....the feeling you get when you finally beat "that" level on Candy Crush.
If you`re having second thoughts, you`re 2 ahead of most people.
The thing I miss most about being young is knowing everything.
Just completed my sexual harassment training and I think I`m finally ready to start harassing people.
A man is as faithful as his options
Morning workout: Turn on treadmill. Untangle headphones for 14 minutes. Get frustrated, leave and eat doughnuts.
I swear, if one more person calls me an alcoholic they are getting a high five too.
The real trouble with reality is that there`s no background music.
I swear, its like EVERY payday I gotta spend money cause there`s a birthday party to go to, a wedding, a baby shower, a new video game, a new stripper, something. Always something...
My most heavily used kitchen appliance is a fire extinguisher.
Spoiler Alert: Ladies, if your guy friend gets you a teddy bear, it has a Camera in it.