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How to win an argument. 1. Have a vagina. 2. That’s it. 3. You win. 4. Congratulations.
Today`s big idea - Coffee eye drops
My therapist told me today that I need to stop talking to inanimate objects, but I mean he`s just a lamp so what does he really know anyway
Matchbooks exist just to be clues in detective movies.
I`m sorry I got salsa on your baby, and I`m extra sorry I scraped it off with a chip
Sometimes I like to play God and just ignore everyone when they talk to me.
I always close my eyes when I kiss a woman. Experience tells me that if my eyes are open, I get a lot more pepper spray in them.
Me: "I want to travel more." Bank account: "Like, to the park?"
If jail isn`t supposed to be fun, why do they get bunk beds?
When one door closes and another one opens, it`s time to pack up and leave because your house is clearly haunted.
The hour that we lose this weekend is the one that I was planning on going to the gym.
If being lazy paid, damn dude I must be a billionaire.
I’m not going to vacuum until Sears makes one you can ride on.
A naughty thought is a terrible thing to waste
When everything is coming your way, you`re probable in the wrong lane.