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Those of you who say “I’ll sleep when I’m dead” don’t really get how the whole “dead” thing works, do you?
The only time I use the word “selfie” is when I am describing my sex life.
"How about if I put a balloon over it? Would you touch it then?" -guy who invented condoms
Next time a skinny bitch calls herself fat… I’m gonna agree with her.
Dear facebook, please quit asking me what`s on my mind. Eventually I`m going to get in trouble if I keep telling you.
Dear sneeze, If you`re gonna happen, happen. Don`t put a stupid look on my face and leave
Why isn`t there a roomba that cuts grass? Probably some stupid law about sending a blade wielding robot out into the neighborhood.
When I was a child I dreamed of being an old west cowboy. When I grew up I realized they didn`t have toilet paper with aloe.
Why do people always feel safe under blankets...its not like a murderer will break in and be like "I`M GONNA KILL YAA__AAHHHhhhh dang he is under a blanket.
For over 20 years, I thought Bon Jovi gave love a Band-Aid
Whew, good thing there`s a facebook petition for ending the shutdown, or else we`d be in real trouble.
It`s always awkward ending phone calls with loved ones. I always say, "I love you" and they`re like, "thank you for choosing Domino`s."
I have found my sleep number and it is eleven, eleven beers.
You have no idea how funny I am to me.
I swear Hollisters electricity bill must be like $1 a month..