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Step 1 - Change your Wi-Fi password to "blowmefirst." Step 2 - Wait for someone to ask you for it.
Every time you have McDonald’s as a kid, it’s a victory. Every time you have it as an adult, it’s a defeat.
Adulthood is when 4:30am is early in the morning instead of late at night.
I used to have a life. Then some idiot came along and said "Why don’t you make a Facebook account? It`s fun".
It`s all good and well until the fecal matter impacts the electric powered air current generation device.....
Oh, you have a brand new boyfriend? Please tell me more about how you think he`s `the one`.
FYI: You can`t beat rock-paper-scissors with yourself in the mirror.
I`m sorry, all I hear is your perfume
I really like ceilings,.. I guess you could call me a ceiling fan.
I`m not saying you`re stupid; you just have bad luck when it comes to thinking.
If a Jehovah`s Witness dies and goes to heaven does God hide behind the Pearly Gates and pretend he`s not home?
I can’t tell if I’m hungry, but better eat just in case.
All I want for Christmas is for these calories to not count.
Oops, I must have put my personalities on "shuffle"
Today somebody called me a model! Well they said "poster boy for birth control", but I knew what they meant.