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Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I`ve ever made.
I often worry about the safety of my children ... Especially the one who is talking back right now.
I scream, You scream, We all scream, Because grandpa forgot his hearing aids again.
I`m home by myself this evening. My wife is out at Kohl`s buying another load of laundry.
Coffee is nature’s way of saying “Go ahead, get drunk on a weeknight, I got your back!”
I get you, anti-evolution people. I`m too lazy to learn science too.
Everything happens for a reason. Sometimes the reason is that you`re ignorant and make bad decisions.
Everything is so much funnier when you`re not allowed to laugh.
I`m not saying that I`ve been online too long, I`m just saying that when I close my eyes I scroll through my thoughts
The problem with the world is intelligent people are full of doubts, while stupid people are full of confidence.
Don’t bother flirting with the girl from accounting, she knows how much money you really make.
I don`t burn bridges. I just loosen the bolts a little bit each day.
Happy 4th of July ! ... It`s a holiday. You know what that means... Ten million status updates saying the exact same thing. Get ready.
If your pet has its own FB page, it might be time for a reality check...
Sometimes my mind wanders, other times it leaves completly. ;)