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I`m going to a wedding rehearsal this weekend. Wedding rehearsals are the only time you see someone practice making a mistake.
One of the first things they tell you in AA is to stop hanging around alcoholics. So I listened, and never went back.
When I try to fold fitted sheets it looks like I’m in an infomercial that’s exaggerating how difficult it is to fold fitted sheets.
I use to be addicted to soap, but now I`m clean
Would you like to donate $1 to this charity or leave the checkout line feeling like human scum?
If I live to be 100, I`m gonna make up some fake reason why, just to mess with people. Like, I ate a pine cone, or drank olive oil every single day...
I thought I`d try yoga to make myself more flexible, but I`m still incredibly stubborn.
You’d be amazed how often I’m wrong when people say guess what.
I remember 2012 like it was yesterday.
The most impressive thing about how cowboys used to have showdowns at high noon is that they could get two people to be on time to something
Boy: "Life`s a bitch, so is my Girlfriend." Girlfriend: "Life`s short, so is his d!ck.
Bananas are the strippers of the fruit world.
Is it ok to ask a very pregnant librarian if she`s overdue?
The longer a Woman takes to get ready, the easier it is to piss her off.. it`s Science
I read that India launched a rocket to Mars the other day. That seems like a strange place to put a call center?