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Famous people could rob banks wearing masks of themselves and they`d never get caught.
"I`m $50 away from getting free shipping which is only $5 and what I want is $12 so I need to spend $38 more to save money." -my brain
Just saw a guy with a Support Dyslexia bumper sticker on the front of his car.
According to a recent survey, 98% of people responded with "Go away."
Dating a stripper is like eating a noisy bag of chips in church. Everyone looks at you in digust, but deep down inside they want some.
My doctor told me, "DON`T mix this medicine with alcohol or you could wake up somewhere naked with a monkey on your arm." CHALLENGE ACCEPTED
My kids are always accusing me of having a "favorite child" which is ridiculous because I don`t really like any of them.
Therapy has taught me that it is all your fault.
Every new day means new opportunities... to make mistakes and f*ck things up.
People who say "Don`t mix drugs with alcohol"" ... they`re stupid, right?
The best thing about having male genitals is sharing it with people who don`t.
Robots can do anything we set their mind to
American Sniper proves that not even being in an active war zone will prevent your spouse from calling you at work.
The last breasts I touched belonged to a dead chicken.
Kinda hypocritical of me to complain about people who send mixed signals seeing as the mat in front of my door says "welcome"...