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Why go out and pretend to like people when you have Netflix?
I`ll act my age when I`m 69..
You look over-medicated. What`s your doctor`s name?
We could learn a lot from our dogs.... If you can`t eat it or play with it, then pee on it and walk away
A plus side to being my friend is that you can come to my house in your pajamas and I won’t judge you because I too will be in my pajamas.
Today I found a penny. It reminded me of you. Worthless & found in everybody`s pants.
If I don`t clean my house soon, someone is going to bring in blindfolded ppl for a Frebreeze commercial.
When people tell me knock knock jokes, I pretend I`m not home.
I am as lazy as the guy who designed the Japanses Flag
If you need some help at Home Depot and are being ignored, get on one of their step ladders.
Looks like I’m in the doghouse again, but I don’t know why. All I said to the wife was, “Is there anything important you want to tell me before the World Cup starts?”
I`m paying my taxes with a smile, but they wrote me back saying they want cash.
Pokémon means a totally different thing if you`re stuck in prison.
My p@nis was in the Guiness Book of Records. Untill the librarian kicked me out
If I’m ever murdered, I have no doubt that my chalk outline would include my phone in my hand.