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My iPhone autocorrected "wish you were here" to "wish you were beer" ...I sent it anyways.
I`ve spent my whole life trying to find a girl with a psychiatric disorder that makes her think she`s a woodpecker.
Ever wonder why divorces are expensive? Because they are worth it!
My lack of dusting will finally pay off on Halloween.
My greatest fear is that PMS is fake and this is my real personality.
Magic words that make my children disappear: 1) Bath time. 2) Who did this?!?! 3) When I was your age...
4/20? More like 1/5. Stupid stoners forgot how to reduce their fractions.
Do these people in movies who wander off into the woods alone at night not watch movies?
If you put Root Beer in a square glass do you get Beer?
Smile. It makes people wonder what you´re up to.
I thinking about how im disgusted by holding a gas pump but yet, I have no problem drinking my beer from a cup that ten other people drank out of, and a backwash covered ping pong ball was just thrown into it after hitting a dirty a$$ garage floor??
I`m going to stop off at the fabric store before my next status to get some new material!
Birth control pills should really be made for men. It makes more sense to unload a gun than to shoot a bulletproof vest.
Research shows that 100% of the time when someone says “oh no she didn’t!” she most definitely did.
I went frisbee golfing today. I didn`t get an ace, but I did hit a guy and that was just as satisfying.