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I like to go on job interviews wearing an eye patch and switch eyes when the interviewer looks down.
Welcome to my Facebook wall. Straight jackets are on your left, meds are on the table, and if you hurry, you can still get a seat in group therapy . . . have fun!
Beer and a 44 magnum with an everclear shot makes everything good like Nintendo
Smooth move.........ExLax
I`m glad it`s finally hot enough to complain about how hot it is.
It’s not a great nap, unless you wake up and can’t remember what day it is.
Yesterday I accidentally swallowed some food colouring. The doctor says I`m alright, but I feel like, well, like I`ve dyed a little inside.
Hey chicks that only post inspirational shit: we know you’re nuts.
Reasons to get out of bed: None.
The Zoo is a safe place to fart.
A fun thing to do when leaving the Zoo, is too start frantically running and yelling "OMG they`ve all escaped!"
The majority of Americans support sending Congress to Syria.
Behind every good selfie is approximately 47 nearly identical pictures that didn`t make the cut.
All I want for Christmas is for these calories to not count.
My therapist goes to her therapist five minutes after I leave.