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If airports are so safe, why are the buildings called Terminal
Coffee is nature’s way of saying “Go ahead, get drunk on a weeknight, I got your back!”
Someone just told me to "Have a good morning". What about the rest of my day mother f*cker?
I hate that feeling when you feel you wrote something good on facebook and then nobody likes your status. Depressing... :(
Making fun of someone you`re angry with is childish. Be an adult and hit them with your car, instead
Pro tip for picking up girls – keep your back straight and lift with your knees.
Nothing says "I`m unemployed" like wishing for snow on Facebook.
If you like to make love while listening to music, always choose a live album. ..That way you`ll get an applause every 3 to 4 minutes. :)
I can`t wait to get all liquored up, and then go door-to-door to sing some Christmas Carols when it starts to warm up in April...
You always remember your first Crush. Mine was Orange.
Early reports indicate I`m gonna be drunk all weekend.
I`ve been sober 136 days. Not in a row, but still...
Talking bout planets with my 8 yr old. He asked if you can just plow thru Uranus because it`s all gas. I cannot respond maturely.
You know you`re a mom when someone says they have a stomach ache and you ask if they pooped today.
Who wants to go Smart Car Tipping?