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There`s an emoji for eggplants but not for popcorn and this is why trusting people isn`t just hard, it`s impossible.
Once you commit to the idea of a closed casket funeral it really takes a lot of pressure off how you live your life.
I just wanted to say thank you to all the people that have given me a reason to drink this Friday night.
Congrats on winning an argument with your woman...... Your prize is a night on the couch.
The judge says I`m a repeat offender, but he always says that.
There is a method to my madness….and as soon as I figure out what the hell it is, I’m gonna be friggin’ unstoppable
Ladies, Admit it. Sometimes you look down at your own boobs and think "Wow, these are Awesome!"
On cold mornings like this I just tell outrageous lies and hope my pants catch fire.
It’s not weird to talk to yourself, it’s just weird when someone else hears you talking to yourself.
Being alive is so expensive.
I don`t know exactly who`s health I`m drinking to, but they`re going to be immortal at this rate
I`m "BE KIND & REWIND" years old.
One man`s LOL is another man`s WTF
I just found a $100 bill laying on the floor in the checkout lane. I don`t even have to try to find out who lost it, because it`s the same color, and has the same picture on it as the one I lost 2 years ago!! WooHoo, talk about fate huh??!!
Square box. Round pizza. Triangle slices. I`m Confused.