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If you think you’ve hit rock bottom, the only thing that can cheer you up is bringing somebody else down with you.
When anyone ask me to babysit, I ask if their kid is a "mean drunk" or a "happy drunk." Gets me out of it every time.
It`s ok computer, I go to sleep after 20 minutes of inactivity too.
Halfway through singing a romantic ballad to my cat, it occurred to me that I`m going to die alone.
Just in case you are wondering ... I did not go to Jared.
I`ve been waiting all winter to start complaining about the summer heat.
In my experience, most arguments are caused by a misunderstanding of the fact that I’m right.
That awkward moment when you realise you have way more internet friends than real friends.
Paused Willy Wonka and The Chocolate Factory to go buy a Snickers. This is why I can`t watch Breaking Bad.
When life hands you lemons it should only remind you to buy more tequila, life is as simple as that.
Somehow, hitting the "end call" button on the cell phone just doesn`t feel nearly as good as the old days when you could slam the phone down on somebody.
I am fluent in three languages: English, Profanity, and Sarcasm
Happy Birthday to someone I would donate some non-essential organs to, and the fact that a Facebook reminder told me it was your birthday doesn´t make it any less special. Plus I live so far away that your birthday requires almost no effort on my part. And sorry I tried to kill you all those times when we were
I hate it when I gain 20 pounds for a role and then realize I`m not an actor.
I want to delete a bunch statuses, so if you guys could just message me your passwords that`d be great.