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When your coworker tells you they are getting a divorce a high five is not the right answer. Or so I`ve been told. Twice now.
Admit it at some point in your life you have tried to close the fridge slowly to see when the light goes out...
You make me want to be a better class of psycho.
363 shopping days `til Christmas and some people already have their lights up.
The only time I use the word “selfie” is when I am describing my sex life.
This hangover feels like Quentin Tarantino directed it.
It`s called PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.
What does lolz mean...Laugh out loud zebras?
Car sex is not fun...that tailpipe BURNS
The hardest part about being an adult is trying to hide how you`re still a child.
My door bell is a recording of a shotgun being racked.
I wish I could select all my responsibilities and press delete.
Never go to bed angry. Stay awake and plot revenge.
Taxes are like a subscription to your country that you can`t cancel, no matter how bad the service gets.
I never want to go to sleep less than I do at bed time.